Oh, and with a post title like that, can you tell what kind of day we had here when I wrote this post? It had its rough spots. But you know, it ended OK. Actually, it ended up pretty good, and that’s saying a lot.
I don’t often mention that Ashar has Asperger’s. She does – and ADHD, and maybe OCD, and definitely SPD, and a whole bunch of other letter-things that, at least outside the public school system, truly don’t mean much 90% of the time. The thing is, during the other 10% of our lives, when we’re in “full Aspie mode,” Chris and Kaitlyn and I become very aware that we’re not dealing with someone who thinks “like a teenage girl.” We’re dealing with someone – an incredibly special and important someone – who truly cannot process or accept the world around her. She’s in China, and we’re screaming in French. Getting louder ain’t gonna help.
That’s hard to accept, in a lot of ways. We’re still learning how to deal with Asperger’s meltdowns – which you’ve got to kind of see to believe; if you’re an autism-spectrum parent, you totally understand – but these aren’t situations where things like sending Ashar to her room or grounding her are going to have any effect whatsoever. (My amazing virtual friend Karen over at Confessions of an Asperger’s Mom does a wonderful job, through her writing, of trying to help bring an understanding to this. I’d love for you to read this post of hers, which really shows what one of “these days” is like for us.)
Looking back, I can see how the day in question went off track. And I can see what I did that helped – or didn’t help – get Ashar (and our day as a whole) back on a better course.
It’s not a miracle cure, but here’s what worked. Next time your kids are mid-meltdown…
1. Stay calm.
You are all looking at me through the computer screen like I’m the biggest, most naive idiot on the blogging block, aren’t you? I hear you, saying, “What the (expletive deleted) is this (expletive deleted) lady doing tell me to stay calm? My (expletive deleted) kid just told me she hates me, hates herself, and wants to gouge my (expletive deleted) eyeballs out with a spoon! I’ll show her calm…”
I hear you. I do. I think I probably said all that and more in the past couple of years. But today, I didn’t yell. I didn’t cry. I didn’t go into the kitchen and start slamming the dishes around. I didn’t grab Ashar’s arm and forcibly sit her little rear end down in the chair I wanted her in. I just… talked. Quietly. I can’t say I didn’t get a little weepy myself at a couple points, but not the crazy crying mess that I sometimes turn into when I’m really angry.
You know that your kids know how to push your buttons. They do. When people are very close to you, they also know exactly how to hurt you. Whether it’s your parents, your kids, your spouse… you can’t control what those people say to you. The ONLY thing you can control is your reaction to it. Choose to bring peace to YOUR side of the equation, at least. (The wonderful Shawn over at Abundant Mama has a great post on choosing peace that I encourage you to check out.)
This is true no matter what your situation, but I find it especially true when you’re talking about kids on the autism spectrum, or with mood-related issues. Some days, I just have to “bring the calm” enough for both of us, because Ashar just can’t get there on her own, but she can catch my vibe almost instinctively.
2. Inventory the basic needs first.
This sounds silly, but as Ashar and I were going a solid three rounds about talking respectfully, lying, helping and all that good stuff, it never occurred to me that she was exhausted. Tired Ashar is never a recipe for awesome behavior, and she admitted at lunch that she was pretty drained. That in itself is incredibly unusual – yet I didn’t pick up on it. So when World War S broke out, starting with the battle cry of “I’m bored and NO ONE EVER GIVES ME ANYTHING TO DO,” some of my first suggestions were things that would take a lot of energy. Not to mention, I just kept giving her more sensory input – the last thing she wants when she’s sleepy. Not bright, Mom.
Later, after things had settled down, we went to our 4-H club meeting. Mid-meeting, while we were electing officers, Ashar pretty vocally tried to hurry up the proceedings to get to snack time, telling everyone she’s hungry. Turning to her dad, I joked, “I do feed the kid,” and he goes, “What did she have for dinner?”
Guess what? I hadn’t fed her dinner. We’d dealt with every issue under the sun, it seemed, but by the time things were copacetic again, I’d just plain forgotten that we hadn’t eaten yet. Good grief.
First things first. Again, this is especially true in our Asperger’s situation, but it applies to everyone. Before you start addressing things like respectful attitudes, get everyone’s simple needs met. You’ll be amazed at how many times “bored” or “cranky” really translate into “hungry” or “tired” or “not feeling well.”
3. Stick to one issue.
This day’s arguments in our house touched on a good number of topics – boredom, lying, anger, responsibilities – but there was one central issue, which was Ashar’s tone of voice in response to some things I’d said to her. So, yes, part of the problem was that she’d lied to me, but that wasn’t what we were truly “fighting” about. If, when I’d caught her in a lie, she’d basically ‘fessed up – even sulkily – it could’ve ended there.
Instead, I got “FINE – I’M A HUGE LIAR AND I NEVER TELL YOU THE TRUTH AND I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON – ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” (Confession: I got sarcastic. “Oh, yeah, I’m super happy to be yelled at like that.” That never works, by the way. So don’t do that one.)
Same problem with not working neatly on something she was doing for me. If I’d have realized she was just too tired to work on it effectively (Tip 2), or if she’d told me either nicely or at least not with fire coming out of her mouth that she really wasn’t in a frame of mind to do it, then that would’ve been mildly unpleasant but basically, I’d have dropped it. Instead, I got “ALL YOU CARE ABOUT ANY MORE IS PUNISHING ME AND MAKING ME DO STUPID THINGS.” So in both cases, I actually ignored the earlier issue and dealt with the “problem theme” instead. Do I care about lying? Of course I do. But you can’t win a war on two fronts, as it were.
Again, this works with your spouse, your parents, your kids, your friends. Agree to fight right. Stick to the issue that’s most pressing, and leave other stuff out of it. It doesn’t mean you’ll never go back to it, but don’t pile on right then.
Specifically to the autism spectrum issue here, I think required reading should be How To Stop Confusing Your Asperger’s Child. The most salient point there is the third one. When you’re trying to reason with your kids, especially about behavior issues, it’s natural to try to add more and more explanation when you feel they’re not “getting it.” In an incredibly humbling (to me) statement, though, that article says: “If language is the problem in the first place, adding more language probably isn’t going to help.”
Duh. I need to work more on that, but it’s stuck with me.
4. Focus and refocus.
As part of the issue in question, Ashar was just adamant that she was bored, that everything was boring, that there was NO INFORMATION ON DINOSAURS ON THE WHOLE INTERNET, that she has nothing that she ever enjoys doing… you know the drill. That was a tangent I didn’t want to go down, but at the same time, I saw a way to use it constructively: After being (rudely) shut down at everything I suggested she might like to do, I said, “You know what would help? I’d like you to make me a list of 10 things you can do if you’re bored, so that I know what to suggest in the future.”
This does a few things. First, you acknowledge the issue, but you don’t turn it into “the big problem.” So I didn’t get into a “How can you be bored?” debate, but I addressed her feeling of boredom. Then, I refocused it onto what I wanted, which was basically for Ashar to stop thinking “angry thoughts” and think of things that would bring her back into a more peaceful frame of mind. Making a list of things she enjoys is a good way of doing this, without being quite as heavy-handed as “Let’s talk about happy things now,” you know?
I will add: Our first go-round at this list was less than successful in its original intent. It included wonders like “Never talk” and “Go upstairs and be sad.” Again, focus and refocus. That’s where I said, “OK, it’s totally fine for you to get this on paper and get all the anger out. But let’s try to make another list, of NICE and FUN things you like to do if you’re bored.” I didn’t get into some of the issues brought up by her list – not the least of which was what I’m pretty sure was her trying to pass a profanity off as a misspelling – but I acknowledged where we were and where I was hoping to refocus toward.
On “take 2,” I made another change – I asked Ashar to dictate her items to me, and I’d write them down. Again – she’s tired. She doesn’t love writing by hand at any point, so add tired to the mix and it’s kind of a train wreck. So I kind of evolved the system, and she ended up dictating to me a pretty nice list, including things like “Watch the birds,” “Go outside and look for animals” and “Give hugs.”
All this list-making had another purpose, too – when Ashar had something to focus on doing, a task at hand, it gave her time to calm down and let the situation de-escalate. And it worked – by the time the second list was done, she had apologized, hugged me, and found some things to do. She was even excited to get ready to go to 4-H; we gave her the option to skip it, if she wasn’t feeling like it’d be good, but she wanted to go and had a great time.
5. Move on.
Don’t hold a grudge. That’s one I struggle with a lot, especially because Ashar’s mood can change on a dime and sometimes she’s all hearts and flowers again while I’m still clenching my fists and biting my tongue. But you know what? It doesn’t help. She truly doesn’t “get” why you’re still mad, especially if she’s apologized, and in our house, holding on to those bad feelings just creates a bad situation all over again.
We got through it. “This, too, shall pass,” and all that. I feel like I ran a marathon, but I’ve had worse.
And on this rough day, Ashar chose to run and was re-elected as historian of her 4-H club – a role for which she won the countywide award last year.
And she gave me a big hug and kiss before bed.
So, yeah, it ended up being a good day.
If you’re interested in reading more about our life with Asperger’s and SPD, check out this post that shows what sensory processing disorder is like and this post that describes our journey to an autism spectrum diagnosis.